Of Hobbits, Halflings & Little People
by Danfred
Summary: *Complete* Basically it's about our favorite hobbits being transported to hmm... I'm going to have to think about this one... oh yeah! HERE. I know it's been done before, just not by me!
1. Default Chapter

Of Hobbits, Halflings & Little People  
  
  
  
A/N: This is my first fic, so umm. feel free to give any suggestions by review okay? Thanks. ^_^  
  
Danielle sighed happily as she finished reading the LOTR series for the *RANDOM SET OF NUMBERS* th time. Her favorite characters of all time were the hobbits. Who could not like them?  
  
She sighed again, but this time it was because she had some science homework to do. It's not like she hated it; in fact, she was one of the top in her class with an average of 89.9%. But she was putting off the inventible.  
  
"Time to get to work." She muttered with a last longing glance at the books behind her. Danielle sat down, got out her pencil and paper, opened her science textbook, and tried to think sciency thoughts.  
  
Soon, she was drifting off into a light sleep. With a "THUNK", her head dropped from her hand where it was resting and fell forward onto her desk, startling her awake.  
  
"Huh? Wha. Oh." she mumbled sleepily. Turning around, she decided to get her science done tonight, as it was already 23:38. (A/N: Her dad was in the military, so she went by the 24-hour clock not the am/pm one. It was 11:38 pm to you guys who are too lazy to substrate 12) She would just finish it before brekkers; after all, it was only a coupla short questions anyway.  
  
With a cry of surprise, she only now noticed a pile of. what seemed to be-  
  
"NO. WAY!!!" she screeched, " HOBBITS!" 


	2. Piles of Hobbits and lots of yelling

Disclaimer: Sorry, I forgot to add one of these in my last chapter. Well, it's here now. I don't own Bilbo, Frodo, Merry, Pippin or Sam.  
  
A/N: Sorry about the shortness of these chapters, they'll get longer. *Crosses fingers*  
  
"Yes, yes we know that! Help us up, please!" came the answer up from within the depths of the hobbit pile.  
  
Pushing her glasses excitedly up her nose, she recognized each hobbit as she lifted them up one by one. Merry, Pippin, Sam, Frodo and Bilbo, who was the one who had called her.  
  
"Hello!" said Merry cheerfully, then with a sudden change of mood, "Where the *CENSORED MATERIAL* are we?!"  
  
"My, my!" Danielle gasped. "I had no idea hobbits like yourselves knew such language!"  
  
There were muttered "Shut up" s and "Don't insult her, she looks like she knows where we are" and numerous pokes from the other hobbits directed toward Merry.  
  
Bilbo stepped forward, acting as spoke- person, err, hobbit. "Um, excuse me miss, we were wondering where exactly we are. These surroundings are not familiar to us."  
  
"Well, if you are who I think you are, you are correct. These 'surroundings', as you put it, shouldn't be." Seeing a questioning look from the hobbits, Danielle explained. "Well, you are hobbits, halflings if you will, from the Shire are you not?" With nods from the hobbits, she continued, pointing as Bilbo. "You, sir, are Mister Bilbo Baggins, you," pointing now at Frodo, "are Frodo Baggins." She then proceeded to point at each hobbit in turn and give their names.  
  
The hobbits were struck dumb, numb with shock at the complete stranger knowing exactly who they were. Timidly, Bilbo asked, "Would you care to explain as to how you seem to know exactly who we are, when none of us has ever seen you before?"  
  
With a start, Danielle realized that she had not even introduced herself. She laughed out loud. "How silly of me! Danielle Markewicz at your service." Remembering this greeting from the Hobbit.  
  
"What a strange name. . ." started Bilbo, then trailing off.  
  
"Right. Hmm. . . how do I explain this?" Danielle commenced. "Lemme see. Well, first of all you are no longer in Middle-Earth for that matter. You are now in St. Albert, Alberta, Canada ^_^."  
  
"Well I've never heard of this Can-aaa-daaa" said Sam, pronouncing the country's name slowly. "Have you, Mr. Bilbo?"  
  
"No, can't say I have. Hmm. . . this is puzzling. Do you have a map of this Can-aaa-daaa?" replied Bilbo.  
  
"Yep, gimme half a tick." Answered Danielle, and with that, scurried downstairs.  
  
A few minutes later, she returned with an atlas, only to find the five hobbits staring around her room at her clock radio, her computer and all the other technological stuff in the immediate area.  
  
"No! Wait! I'm doing this all wrong!" yelled Danielle suddenly. "First of all, what year is it? I mean in your time."  
  
"Well, now it's 13 A.D.R." replied Bilbo.  
  
"Umm, okay, what's A.D.R. stand for?" asked Danielle, feeling a bit embarrassed.  
  
"Oh, it 'After Destruction of the Ring."  
  
A/N: I just made up the time 'cause I'm too lazy to check what time period they go by in the LOTR series.  
  
"Good! Okay, if you'd like, you can read these then." She said, handing her LOTR and The Hobbit books.  
  
"Daaaaaniiiiiieeeellllle!!" yelled a voice from downstairs, startling all of the hobbits. "Come here this instant!" 


	3. More yelling and hungry Hobbits

A/N: Sorry, this one's another short chapter 'cause I only have about 15 minutes to write this. Also, thanks to Candycane loves Legalous, daniLOTHlorien and Little Ringbearer for reviewing!  
  
Danielle sighed. "That's my mom. You'd better stay here, I don't know what she wants." She walked out the door.  
  
When Danielle left, the hobbits decided to look through the books she left them. Opening the one entitled "The Fellowship of the Ring", they leafed though it.  
  
"Why, its our story!" cried Frodo. "When I was ring bearer!" he said hurriedly, turning the pages. "See look, it's all here! Strider, the Black Riders, Gollum-"  
  
"And look! Here's my story!" interrupted Bilbo, who was looking through "The Hobbit".  
  
"This is too weird." They all said at the exact same time.  
  
It was at that moment that Danielle returned. "Well, my mom and dad are leaving for a week and a bit." She said finally. "My mom's dad broke his leg, nothing to worry about, but she and my dad have to go and help out for a while. That means we have the house to ourselves. Well, us and-hey! What's wrong?"  
  
"We looked at your books." Frodo said, explaining it all.  
  
"Hmm. . . This could get difficult." she muttered. "Okay," she said louder. "This is how it works. A guy by the name of J. R. R. Tolkien has written a bunch of books with the setting as Middle-Earth. With me so far?" seeing the nods of agreement from the hobbits, she continued. "The first is 'There and Back Again' also called 'The Hobbit'. The next ones are the 'Lord of the Rings series. There are three books in that series: 'The Fellowship of the Ring', 'The Two Towers' and 'The Return of the King'. Mr. Tolkien has also written several other books intitl-"Danielle was cut off by Sam.  
  
"But how is this possible?!" he cried. "I mean, if we've never heard of your world, how is it possible that you have books written about ours?"  
  
"As an answer to your question," she said calmly while taking a breath. "I HAVE ABOSOLUTLY NO IDEA!!" she screeched.  
  
Suddenly, there was a loud rumbling noise that filled the room, coming from the hobbits' stomachs.  
  
"Oh, dear! You're all hungry aren't you? Hang on; I'll go whip up something. . ." And before the hobbits could reply, Danielle was gone.  
  
They waited patiently, and a few minutes later she came back, but something was strange about her. She completely ignored them, looking at the bookshelf, muttering something about "Where's it gone now, oh, wait there it is. . . no. That's the Long Patrol."  
  
There was a collective gasp from the hobbits as she turn her back to them, as they had realized what was different. "What have you done to your hair?!" cried Pippin, for indeed it was different. Instead of a long, brown braid running down her back, which tended to swing back and forth when she was excited, she now had a short pixie cut.  
  
She turned and looked up and seemed to just notice them for the first time. Her eyes widened. "AAAaaaAAAaaaAAA" she took a breath, "aaaAAAaaaAAA- " she was then cut off when the door opened again. Standing there, with plates balanced on her arms, was the exact double of the now stopped screaming girl.  
  
A/N: I'm going to leave you there. Why has Danielle suddenly split in two? Why has she cut off her lovely hair? Take a guess. Until next time, bye! ^_^ 


	4. Of pizza and nonexistent mushrooms

A/N: If you're reading this, it probably means that you have read the other parts of this story. Thanks! ^_^. Either that or you accidentally typed in the wrong URL, or clicked on the wrong thing. In that case, please read the rest of my story. As always, leave a review.  
  
"Well, well." The girl in the doorway said mildly. "I guess you've found them." Then, turning to the hobbits. "Guys, this is my identical twin sister, Lauren. Lauren, this is-"  
  
"Oooh! I know! Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Sam and Bilbo!" She walked up to them, shaking hands as she went. "I can't believe I'm actually meeting you guys in person!"  
  
Looking a bit bewildered, the hobbits returned the shake. "I thought you said we were alone for the week," started Bilbo.  
  
"Oh, well we're not. I started to tell you, but then I got sidetracked. ^_^" She explained. "Anyway, I have the grub. PIZZA!"  
  
"What is pii-zzz-aaa?" asked Pippin. "Well, whatever it is, it smells delicious!"  
  
"Why, thank you Pippin! It took me simply ages of hard work, slaving in the kitchen for HOURS to make it!" Danielle said graciously.  
  
"You liar!" Lauren accused. "You just took a frozen one out of the freezer and popped it into the microwave!"  
  
"O_o, well, it's a lot of work opening doors and pushing buttons!" Danielle amended.  
  
"Suuuure it is. -_-" Lauren said sarcastically.  
  
"Well, anyways, pizza is basically thin bread with cheese, tomatoes sauce and additional topping spread all over it. Try it!"  
  
Seeing the hobbits eyeing the pizza doubtfully, she took a slice and yelled "MUSHROOMS!" and while Pippin opened his mouth to ask where, she shoved it into his mouth. "Chew." She ordered. Pippin chewed, then swallowed.  
  
"Hey, this is pretty good!" exclaimed Pippin.  
  
"I told you so!" Danielle replied, rolling her eyes. Now everyone was enjoying the pizza.  
  
And with that, the hobbits from the Shire had their first taste of modern food. 


	5. Me so sorry

A/N: Sorry I can't get a chapter out today, but I'm working out a few kinks in the plot and - (random passing person "What plot?") You shut up! Anyway, I didn't want to post something that I probably couldn't make up for. I should get another one out by Thursday. (Don't quote me on that!) 


	6. No Dew and purple things

A/N: Just to let you know that the disclaimer in Chapter 2 counts for the whole story. (Obviously. Unless I somehow get the LOTR characters for my birthday, but that's a long time away. So, until then, I still don't own any of 'em) Also, ignore "Me so sorry" please, as I haven't deleted it 'cause I'm a lazy monkey. ( I DID get this out by Wednesday, so THERE, evil writer's block demons!!)  
  
After all the hobbits finished munching on pizza, Merry and Pippin being the last ones (only stopping when there wasn't any left).  
  
Going down to the kitchen, Danielle realized that there was no Mountain Dew OR chips left. How could she survive the weekend without either?!  
  
Returning to the hobbits, she relayed the bad news. "Sorry guys, I'm going out for a while. I've got to get some 'Dew and chips. Just watch.." she rummaged for a second, then held up something ".. this. Educate yourselves. Put the disk in the slot and push the play button." she instructed, handing the LOTR DVD over to Bilbo. "And what ever you do, don't touch anything else." She warned.  
  
'Hope I'm doing the right thing, leaving them alone.' Danielle was having second thoughts about leaving them alone, on the count that Lauren had left for her flute lesson a coupla minutes earlier. 'Oh, well, I guess it can't do TOO much harm. ^_^' and with that, she locked the door and left. (A/N: How terribly clever! That's just asking for trouble. And trouble will gladly answer. * evil grin*)  
  
Seeing as Danielle only told them to put the disk in the slot, nothing else, the hobbits were having a hard time. Why? She forgot to mention a little thing called, 'The ON switch' * BUM DUM DA DUM!!! *  
  
"NOW, what do we do?!" yelled Merry in frustration, after several minutes of puzzlement.  
  
"Let's explore. Who knows what we'll find." (A/N: * hint * There's the set up.)  
  
After looking around for a bit, Sam noticed a purple, fuzzy thing lying on a silk cushion. 'Hmm. I wonder what that is?' Sam wondered as he reached forward to touch it. (A/N: Ooo! Naughty hobbitses! What did Danielle just tell you?)  
  
Suddenly, the door burst open, and a blond haired girl came barreling in, yelling as she went to stop Sam: "NOOOOOoooooOOOOOoooooOOOO!!!" 


	7. Crazy girl and inanimate objects

A/N The new people in this chapter are real people, who woulda given 'em names like that if they weren't real? * gets a slap from Kelsy and a SHUT THE HELL UP! * So, anyway, if they aren't hobbits or Smaug, it's not mine. * mutters * Not that the others are mine either.  
  
The blond girl did a pro football style tackle on Sam, stopping him in his tracks. She pummeled him with both fists, yelling something about "NO! No touchie! My Deadly! MINE!!!" until she was pulled off by Danielle, who had gone unnoticed with Blondie's, shall we say, "interesting" entrance, along with three other girls.  
  
Blondie continued to scream until one of the other girls stepped up and slapped her. To the surprise of the hobbits, but not the girls, Blondie stopped immediately.  
  
Sam still looked startled and was trying to slowly crawl away, as to not set off Blondie again.  
  
Danielle sighed heavily. "Sorry 'bout that Sam. She's kinda hard to control sometimes. I did warn you to not touch anything remember," Lifting him up, she continued. "Okay, explanation time. Your little attacker here is Genevieve (A/N I'm gonna shorten it to Gen because Genevieve takes up too much of my much valued time to type.) She is emotionally attached to Deadly here." Danielle explained, pointing to the purple thing, which the hobbits could now see was a purple stuffed dragon. "Now Gen is-"  
  
She got interrupted yet again as Blondie. . . erm. . . Gen (A/N: Damn those name changes. Too confusing. [random passing person: Why'd ya put them in then?] Shut up!] Snatched up the purple thing and yelled "He's the bestest dragon is the whole world! Danielle gave 'im a stupid name, Dudley, what kind of name is Dudley? Now if I named him I-" She continued chattering away, but everyone had long since tuned her out.  
  
"She thinks he's a real dragon, not an inanimate object." Danielle explained. "Just humor her. She got hit in the head by Kelsey one too many times, methinks." Glaring at the slapper, she finished her statement.  
  
"What?" replied the slapper. . . erm. . . Kelsey, looking innocent. "She gets what she deserves."  
  
Rolling her eyes, Danielle continued. "Anyway, I guess I should introduce these guys. Guys, these are my friends. Kelsey (Kels), Paula, Kelsi, and the chatterbox over there is Gen." Danielle sighed as Kels hit Gen to get her to pay attention.  
  
Gen immediately asked Bilbo about Smaug. "Why'd ya hafta kill 'im? He was Deadly's uncle's grandmother's cousin four times removed! That was almost family to me!" And with that, without giving Bilbo time to explain that it wasn't him that shot down Smaug, Gen promptly sat down and cried.  
  
The hobbits exchanged glances. This ordeal just got worse.  
  
A/N: So. . . whatcha think? (and I'm talking to those of you in the story and any others who put up with this monstrosity of a story this long) Review please. Tell me if I should continue to write this crap, or just give up now. Bye! ^_^ 


	8. Lessons and evil Pepsi Blue

A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers. The first time you review, I'll try to mention your username in an upcoming chapter. So thanks to Annoying Took and Crenius. Oh, and for you readers out there, Crenius is Kelsi in this story. Oh, if you're interested, I'm starting and original series. If you're interested, check up my lookup.  
  
A little while later, each of the girls had self-assigned themselves to a hobbit, to teach them about non-middle-earth. Paula had Pippin, Kels had Merry, Kelsi had Frodo, Danielle had Sam (he had stuck with her because he knew that she could protect him from Gen's wrath) and poor Bilbo was stuck with Gen who was still crying over, as she put it "Poor, defenseless Smaug!"  
  
'Oh, well.' Danielle thought. 'I'll make it up to Bilbo later.'  
  
Each girl took their hobbit and went somewhere else in the house to teach them modern things. Danielle decided that it was best if she gave Sam a brief history and geography lesson for starters. Collecting the books she needed, she set them on the kitchen table and bade Sam to sit down before doing so herself.  
  
"Hmm. . . okay. Let's start with the basics. The year is 2003 AD of the 21st century. It is also the year of the sheep/goat if we're talking zodiac." Seeing the blank stare from Sam, "Forget the zodiac! Anyway. . . moving on. Remember when I said that we're in St. Albert, Alberta, Canada? Well, here's where it is." Holding up a map of North America, she pointed towards Canada. "This is our country. It's called Canada. In Canada, the land is split into provinces and territories. They are-" (A/N: You don't need to hear this. Fast forward. ) ". . . and Samuel de Champlain founded Quebec in 16-" (A/N: Oops, bit longer now. )  
  
Anyway, Danielle continued to explain Canadian geography and brief history for the next half hour, with Sam's rapt attention. After a while though, she noticed Sam's eyes acquire a glazed over look, so she decided to give him a break. (A/N: No one's perfect. ^_^)  
  
"Okay, snack time!" Danielle rushed to the cupboard, then the fridge and the pantry, collecting two bowls, two cans of pop and a bag of Lay's.  
  
"Now here's some practical learning. This-" she explained, holding up a can of pop. "Is the greatest of all pops. Its sugary power is only rivaled by Pepsi Blue." She shuddered.  
  
"Umm. . . forgive me, but what exactly is this 'pop'?" asked Sam hesitantly.  
  
Danielle smacked her forehead then winced. "Duh! Of course you wouldn't know. How stupid of me! Mountain Dew is a very sugary drink that is made better with little bubbles in it. Very yummy. ^_^ Try it!"  
  
"Certainly but. . ." he hesitated. "How do you get at it? It's enclosed by some sort of greenish metal"  
  
Danielle patiently showed Sam how to open it and also explained about chips. Sam agreed that they were delicious.  
  
Deciding that Sam had enough practical schooling, Danielle headed toward the study to explain the computer. Walking in, she discovered that Kels and Merry already occupied it. Kels was showing him the wonders of fanfiction.net and other such sites.  
  
Sighing, she turned around to go to the living room and the TV. Kels and Merry weren't going to get off anytime soon she concluded.  
  
To her disappointment, she found that Kelsi and Frodo were playing Nintendo. Watching for a moment, Danielle came to the conclusion that Frodo still had a lot to learn about 'The Legend of Zelda'. He was still trying to kill his fairy with a slingshot.  
  
Dragging Sam from room to room, she discovered most of the rooms that contained potential learning experiences were already being used.  
  
Finally, and by this time Danielle was getting very frustrated, they came to the music room. Her eyes lit up, no one in sight. She sighed contentedly and motioned Sam to take a seat on an armchair.  
  
"Now before I start, what do you know of music?" asked Danielle, not wanting to waste time on things Sam already knew.  
  
"Well," started Sam slowly "We sang a lot in the Shire, not me though. . ." he trailed off, blushing furiously.  
  
Danielle raised her eyebrows. "Okay then, you don't have to sing. Now. . . have you flutes in the Shire?"  
  
"Of course!" snorted Sam. "What do you take us for, barbarians? Any decent hobbit child can make a reed flute and play songs."  
  
"No need to get huffy!" chided Danielle. "I meant flutes like this-" she held up a silvery flute as she took it out of its case and put it together.  
  
Sam sucked in his breath sharply. "Oh, wow! Did you make it?" he asked wonderingly as he stared at it.  
  
"Nope. See this?" she pointed to a mark on the mouthpiece. "It says Gemeinhardt. That's the name of the company that made it." Finishing its assemblence, Danielle put it to her mouth, played a simple tune, stopped, and handed it to Sam. "Here, give it a try." Before he could protest, she aligned his fingers over the proper keys and took out another flute while instructing him.  
  
"Now I want you to blow like you would to an empty bottle. Not into it, across it."  
  
After half an hour or so, Sam had gotten the hang of blowing and had learned several notes in the process. Moving on, she sat Sam down on the piano bench, after making him properly clean out and put the flute away in its case.  
  
"Do you know what this is?" pointing to the piano.  
  
"No. . . what is it?" he replied with another question. (A/N: Isn't that annoying when people do that?)  
  
"It's called a piano. Many people can play at least a bit of it. Here," she moved Sam over half a meter. "I'll do an example." She then proceeded to play part of a study in A flat major. "Now you try."  
  
Sam hesitantly lowered a finger to touch a white key. It made a low, quiet sound.  
  
"Hmm. . . middle C." she muttered. "It's a start."  
  
Danielle was a patient teacher. Working with Sam took the better part of an hour, but at the end, Sam could play the C and G major scales with arpeggios, name all the notes with ease and was able to play two simple songs.  
  
"Well done Sam!" she congratulated. "Pretty soon you'll be able to play more complicated songs like this." She opened a book to a song in 6/8 time that had 6 flats in the key signature and was mostly sixteenth notes.  
  
Sam paled. "M-maybe later." He stuttered. "Uh. . . l-lets go look for the others shall we?"  
  
With that, they both wandered off, leaving the music room empty. The piano book that was left out slowly lifted up, and slid into place on the shelf. There was no one there.  
  
Yay! Another chapter finished. This was my longest yet, pathetic isn't it? Hope you liked it. (Random Passing Person: Haunted music room? O_o You've lost what little touch you had!) Shut up! It's my fic. If you don't like it don't read it! (Random Passing Person: Who said I read it? I just saw the last paragraph.) Grr. . . where's a sharp throwing knife when you need it. * wanders off muttering about faulty cooking utensils * 


	9. Duct taped Bilbo and rhetorical question...

A/N: To all you readers out there (Random Passing Person: That's right. If they're reading this, they're readers.) Hey! You admitted I was right! * sinks in * HEY! * shakes it off * Anyway. . . feel free to point out any errors or any other such help when reviewing. No matter how small, I will take note of it if it is HELPFUL advice. By the by, I saw TTT on Sunday with the very same characters in this fic. Well, not with the hobbits, but you get the idea.  
  
Danielle, with Sam's help, had collected everyone in the living room to see how they were doing. (Danielle didn't quite trust her friends with the hobbits' education ^_^)  
  
She cleared her throat to get their attention, waited a moment, and then started to speak. "Now I want all of you hobbits to explain exactly what you learn in three hours. Frodo, you go first."  
  
Shifting from foot to hairy foot nervously, "Umm. . . I learned how to play 'The Legend of Zelda', 'MarioKart64', 'SuperSmashBros.' and 'SuperMario64'. "  
  
"Anything that doesn't have to do with Nintendo?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why am I not surprised?"  
  
"I can't answer that question."  
  
"That's because it's a rhetorical question."  
  
"What does 'rhetorical' mean?"  
  
Danielle sighed. "It's a question that one already knows the answer to so it does not need to be answered."  
  
"Then why'd you ask it? OW!"  
  
Kels had smacked him across the head.  
  
"Okay Kels, stop smacking people and Frodo, stop asking hard questions that I don't know the answer to-" she paused. "Did I say that out loud?" Seeing the amused nods, she muttered "Shit."  
  
"Okaaay. . . moving on. Bilbo, what did you learn?" she looked around the room. "Bilbo?" seeing Gen, she asked frankly "Whatja do with him now?"  
  
"He's a dragon killer. I don't like 'im, so I locked 'im in the closet." She smirked.  
  
"You WHAT?!" Danielle yelled, but before Gen could react, she raced up the stairs and opened the linen closet. An unhappy, duct taped hobbit rolled out.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Mpht, mhltl, mmft!"  
  
"Oh, hang on." * rip *  
  
"OW OW OWWWW!!! * CENSORED MATERTIAL * what the * CENSORED MATERTIAL *? * CENSORED MATERTIAL * jeez! * CENSORED MATERTIAL *"  
  
"Woah! Calm down! I'd be surprised if they couldn't hear you in Gondor! Oh, wait." She thought about it, "Hmm. . . ya. Gondor."  
  
"Sorry," mumbled Bilbo.  
  
"S'okay. I know you had a rough time with Gen. C'mon, let's go downstairs."  
  
Bilbo reluctantly waddled downstairs after Danielle. (A/N: My fic, so Bilbo waddles! ^_^)  
  
". . . and have you even read 'The Hobbit'?" shrieked Paula. "If you just read the * CENSORED MATERTIAL * book, we wouldn't-oh. . ." she abruptly stopped when she saw Bilbo return.  
  
Danielle rolled her eyes. "Anyway. . . where were we? Ah, yes. Merry!" she barked. "Explain to me exactly what you learned from Kels."  
  
"Umm. . . I learned that fanfiction.net is the best site on the internet, which is a machine that-I-don't-understand-how-the-hell-it-works- "  
  
"That's enough outta you!" she interrupted. "Pippin, what about you?"  
  
"I learned that ice is cold, water is wet, fire is hot, knives are sharp and umm. . . oh yeah! That you can't walk though walls, ya hafta open the doors first! ^_^"  
  
"o_O Okay. . . Lemme get this strait. Basically none of you, apart from Sam, learned anything at all?"  
  
The hobbits looked at each other, then they all said: "No."  
  
Danielle rubbed her temples. "Why do I even bother?" she muttered.  
  
Unfortunately, Frodo heard. "Is that a rhetorical question too?" Frodo asked.  
  
She stared at him a moment, trying to figure out if he was joking. "-- _-- Yes, that was rhetorical. Hey, wait a sec." She pondered. "You LEARNED something didn't you? Didn't you? What rhetorical means, yes? YES!! I'm getting somewhere!!!"  
  
A/N: That's all for now. I just got a tooth pulled out and the numbing sensation is affect my. . . thing. . . that. . . umm. . . tells me to. . . think. . . and stuff. Anyway, I'll probably get the next chapter out sometime soon. Feel free to try to make it sooner by reviewing! ^_^ (Random Passing Person: That was shameless! Trying to get more reviews for more chapters! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE?!) * looks smug * That's why I'm Skipper, and your NOT! (Lauren & Kirsten lol ^_^) 


	10. McDonalds and more duct tape

A/N: Thanks to Katani Petitedra for both of her reviews! It's very nice to know that some people understand my jokes. If you don't, just review a question and I'll try to answer it as soon as I can. This part of the story takes part a couple of hours after the last chapter. Danielle, with some help from the others, has taught Bilbo, Frodo, Merry and Pippin a bit about history and geography, so all the hobbits are at the same level as that. (I didn't think you wanted to hear about that! ^_^) Also, Kels and Paula had left at the beginning of the lesson. (Can ya blame 'em?) Oh, if you liked this story, my friend Crenius (in this story, Kelsi) wrote a story with us in it. Check it out, but only if you wants to. . .  
  
"I guess now you all need to know about some of the more dangerous stuff, so you don't hurt yourselves." Danielle mused. "Okay! To the kitchen!"  
  
"Yay! Food!" the hobbits yelled and started to run. "CHARGE!!!"  
  
"No food!" called Danielle after the hobbits, who had immediately slowed down at the mention of 'no' and 'food' in the same sentence.  
  
"What do you mean, 'No food'?" wheedled Merry.  
  
Danielle rolled her eyes. "I MEAN that I'm going to teach you about stuff in the kitchen."  
  
"Oh." Said a crestfallen Pippin.  
  
"Well, some food after learning okay?" The hobbits all brightened at this suggestion.  
  
Reaching the kitchen, each hobbit sat down in a chair at the kitchen table.  
  
"Okay, most of this stuff is used for cooking food. If your not veeeeery carefie, you might get hurt. For example," she turned a couple knobs on the oven. "This is an oven. Inside, or on these burners for that matter, can get very hot, very fast. But if you know how to use it, you can make some delicious thing." She then got a frying pan, some eggs and cooking oil, and a couple minutes later, the hobbits were eating some scrambled eggs.  
  
Turning off the oven, she went to the toaster oven. "This does much the same thing, only on a smaller scale." Glancing at her watch, she did a double take.  
  
"OMG! Is that the time?! I gotta go." She frantically gathered a backpack, some books, her keys, and a cell phone and ran to the door, calling over her shoulder. "Sorry, guys! I'll be back at six! Kelsi, you're in charge! If anything goes wrong, call me on my phone, the number's on the fridge. Gottogobye!" With that, she was out the door, muttering about lousy piano lesson times, leaving the house silent for a moment.  
  
Kelsi and Gen exchanged evil grins. This would get good.  
  
* 6 o'clock *  
  
Danielle walked in the door and took off her shoes. "Hey guys! I'm back! I've got McDona-" she stopped in horror as she walked into the kitchen. There were the hobbits, tied together with gagged mouthes, all with duct tape.  
  
She took a breath. "KEEELLLLSSSIII!!! GEEENNN!!!!  
  
Two giggling girls emerged from the basement. "-and then she said 'Stop threatening, or else!'!" they dissolved in laughter, but stopped short when they caught sight of the murderous glint in their friend's eyes.  
  
"Uh-"  
  
"Oh."  
  
"RUN!"  
  
"No! Not this time!!" Danielle yelled. With a deft motion with her left hand, she hit a hidden button, springing a couple booby traps hidden around the house. Gen was up in the air, suspended and trapped in a net. Kelsi was pinned by the collar and each cuff of her shirt to the wall by arrows.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO?!" she roared. There was silence, interrupted only by a hobbit's whimper, not sure which, and the sound of Gen, trying to knaw through her bonds with her teeth.  
  
A/N: Can someone tell me how to put bold and italics on my fics? It would be very much appreciated. ^_^ 


	11. Paintballs and cursing hobbits

A/N: This is my tenth real chapter! YAY! * Confetti falls from ceiling, joyous music plays, Danielle starts dancing a previously unknown dance * (Random Passing Person: O_o What are you doing?) I'm celebrating. (Random Passing Person: Call that celebrating? HAHAHAhahaha!) Hey! Shut up! * shoots red paintballs at Random Passing Person * HAHAHA! Make fun of me will you!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
"You! Explain! NOW!" Danielle ordered Kelsi as Gen was busy trying to chew her way out of the net.  
  
"Nope. Not talking." Kelsi pursed her lips. Danielle pointed a paintball gun at Kelsi. "Still not talking." Kelsi said. Danielle shot a couple red paintballs at Kelsi's blouse, effectively ruining it. "Uh-uh. Not a word, 'specially 'cause you ruined my shirt."  
  
Danielle sighed. "Okay, you can either talk willingly, or face the consequences."  
  
"What's the consequence? Not shooting more red paintballs? It won't work."  
  
"Erm. . . after the paintball consequence, there's an even worse one."  
  
"Oh? Bring it on! (A/N: That was a terrible movie!) What's the next consequence?"  
  
"^_^;; Umm. . . didn't think that far ahead. Okay, change of plan." She walked into the study and came back with a pair of scissors. She sat in front of Bilbo.  
  
"Brace yourself. This'll hurt." She grasped the tape on his mouth and yanked it off.  
  
"OWWIE!! * CENSORED MATERIAL * * CENSORED MATERIAL * CENSORED MATERIAL * JEEZ! * CENSORED MATERIAL *. He then ran out of swears, so he stopped screaming like a little girl. Only then did he notice he was sitting on the chandelier on the ceiling. (A/N: Don't ask how he got up there when his hands and feet are still tied up with duct tape. [Random Passing Person: How?] Umm. . . blame it on the One Ring)  
  
Danielle somehow got Bilbo down from the ceiling and cut off the duct tape that was binding him.  
  
"Okay, tell me what happened."  
  
"Shouldn't we untie them first?" Bilbo asked.  
  
She glanced at the bound hobbits with hopeful faces.  
  
"Meh! They've been like that for several hours, another coupla minutes won't kill 'em." Kelsi yawned. The hobbits faces fell.  
  
"SEVERAL HOURS!!!" Danielle screamed, and then quickly untied them, taking their gags off last. Four hobbits went flying, yelling terrible profanities that no hobbit should know.  
  
"Tsk. Tsk." Scolded Bilbo. "Such language! Why-"  
  
"It seems to me-" interrupted Danielle "That a hobbits not too far away, yelled much the same thing not too long ago. _" She stared pointedly at Bilbo, who had fallen silent. "I thought so."  
  
"Now that you're untied and, well, reasonably alive, pray tell what torture these-" here she glared at the trapped girls." * CENSORED MATERIAL * did to you." She said in a sing-song sort a voice.  
  
"It was terrible!" Pippin sobbed. "First they tied our hands and feet together with duct tape so we couldn't move. Then they-"  
  
"We almost ran out of duct tape! IT WAS FUN!!!" Gen interrupted. She had finished chewing a hole in the net, but was hopelessly tangled in it. Too bad. ^_^  
  
"Anyway," Pippin continued. "Then they brought out a bag of the juiciest, tenderest mushrooms you've ever seen! Then-" he stopped, tears streaming down his face.  
  
Merry finished for him. "They ate them, slowly. One by one."  
  
There was a scream of triumph from the net's direction, where Gen was hanging by her ankles. "I HATE mushrooms, but it was worth it! EVERY ONE OF 'EM!!!" She laughed hysterically, until Danielle shot her with the paintball gun. She continued like nothing had happened.  
  
"Didn't they offer you any?"  
  
"Yes, but in exchange, they made us do tricks, like begging, fetching and the like."  
  
"No! They didn't!"  
  
"Yes! I just said that, weren't you listening?"  
  
"-_- It's a figure of speech."  
  
"Like rhetorical!" Piped up Frodo.  
  
"* sigh * Yes, Frodo. Like rhetorical."  
  
A/N: Wee! Chapter finished! Gen actually helped with the fine-tuning of the wonderful jokes in this chapter, so thank Water Lily, k? (Random Passing Person: What wonderful jokes? Did I miss them? * sarcastic * 


	12. Forgotten characters and pepper spray is...

A/N: Thanks to QTpie-pippinsgurl for reviewing! I actually do have an identical twin sister named Lauren, so there's where I got it. Think I came up with everyone's names? HAHAHAhahahaHAHAHA! * stunned silence * * cough * Well, anyway. . . sorry about me not updating for a while. Also about the shortness of this chapter and * you jump down past all of her rambling apologies and skip to the story *  
  
Danielle and the hobbits decided to leave Gen and Kelsi to their own devices and went to eat the forgotten McDonalds meal in the dining room.  
  
"Thith ith very gooth." Mumbled Pippin around a mouthful of hamburger. "Wha ith thith again?"  
  
"Hamburger."  
  
"And these?" He held up a handful of French fries.  
  
"French fries or just plain fries."  
  
"I also like the just plain fries." Stated Bilbo.  
  
"No, they're called just fries."  
  
He shrugged his shoulders. "Fine then. Pass some more of the just fries, please."  
  
Danielle started to bang her head on the table.  
  
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked Sam. She stopped, glared at him and then continued. "You are so odd sometimes!" He exclaimed.  
  
She stopped dead. "Did you just call me odd?" she asked menacingly. The other hobbits shot Sam pitying looks, then resumed eating.  
  
"O_O No."  
  
"^_^ Good! 'Cause you would hate what I woulda done if you had." She said in a singsong voice.  
  
Sam wisely did not ask what she would of done, but he had a good guess. He swallowed.  
  
~*~  
  
A little while later, when everyone had just about finished eating, Kelsi and Gen walked in. Kelsi's shirt had, miraculously, no holes whatsoever. "Save any for us?" Gen asked.  
  
"I thought you were still in that net, how did you get out?" asked Merry suspiciously.  
  
"Strong teeth."  
  
"O_o oh."  
  
"As I was saying, did you save any for us?" The hobbits all shook their heads, but Danielle tried to discreetly slurp something from a can, but Gen spotted it.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Nothing." Danielle replied quickly. A little too quickly.  
  
"Lemme see."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Gimme!"  
  
"NO! MINE!"  
  
Gen took out a small bottle. "Give. It. To. Me. Now." She said in a low, halting voice. Surprisingly, Danielle complied.  
  
"Ah ha! Wait. . . you had Mountain Dew and you didn't tell me?! You * CENSORED MATERIAL * WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"  
  
"Because you never asked!" (A/N: Can anyone say: Gollum? If you didn't understand that last sentence, it's from TTT) Gen still looked peeved. No wonder. This event ranked up in the Tip Ten List of Gen P.O. events. (The 1st being when the pop machine only had Pepsi Blue left) "Okay Gen. Tell ya what. If you're very, very, very, very, very, very-"  
  
* 10 minutes later *  
  
"-very, very, very-" she paused. "What was I talking about again?" Not that it mattered, for Gen had forgotten too.  
  
"What was that stuff that Gen threatened you with?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Pepper spray."  
  
"O_o Umm. . . care to explain?"  
  
"Here." Interrupted Gen. "I'll show you!" she sprayed a good wallop of the stuff in Frodo's face, yelling something about: "Pepper spray is a girl's best friend!" Frodo rolled about on the ground, clutching his face and yelling more profanities.  
  
"Gen!" Kels smacked Gen in the head.  
  
"Hey! Where'd you come from?"  
  
"I. . . don't. . . know. . ." * music from the X-files starts playing *  
  
"Where'd that come from?" Lauren asked.  
  
"Where'd you come from?"  
  
"I've been conveniently forgotten by the author! ^_^"  
  
Everyone 'cept Frodo and Lauren: O_o  
  
Lauren: ^_^  
  
Frodo: _ (From the pepper spray ^_^)  
  
Just then Paula poured a bucket full of water all over Frodo.  
  
Danielle stared. "I'm not even gonna ask where you came from. How ever, I will ask WHY THE HELL YOU POURED WATER ALL OVER FRODO?"  
  
"'Cause it's fun." She shrugged.  
  
Danielle started to bang her head on the table.  
  
"Doesn't that hurt?"  
  
A/N: 'Nother chapter finished. Wee. Anyway. . . please review. ^_^ 


	13. Frozen Frodo and magical fluffy pink mus...

A/N: I'm so happy! Tomorrow is Family Day in Alberta so no school! ^_^ I might actually get another chapter out tomorrow, but don't quote me on that. Anyway, I currently have 18 reviews and I'm so happy! You know what would make me happier? (Random Passing Person: * sarcastically * No, let me guess. . . reviews?) Wow! He/She/It/Whatever is right! YAY!  
  
Frodo, after several minutes with a bucket of water, managed to dull the pain in his eyes caused by Gen's pepper spray.  
  
He decided that he was well enough to 'teach' the other hobbits how to play Zelda: Ocarina of Time on Nintendo64. In reality he just wanted an excuse to play some more. He had become quite addicted in fact.  
  
The concept of TV was still new to them, so Frodo had to explain every little detail. Well, he tried.  
  
"The little green figure on the screen is me."  
  
"But you're right here!"  
  
"No! What I mean is, well, I control him."  
  
"I didn't know you had magical powers!"  
  
"That-but-I-" Frodo looked flustered.  
  
The girls had been watching in amusement. "Now you know what we went through."  
  
Frodo was just about ready to tear his hair out, when Danielle took pity on him. "Come on guys, leave Frodo alone. Tell you what, how 'bout we- " she trailed off when she noticed that the hobbits weren't paying attention. "MUSHROOMS!" she yelled. At once she had their undivided attention. 'Works every time.' She thought.  
  
"As I was saying, maybe we should leave Frodo alone and go and do something else."  
  
"No."  
  
"Don't want to."  
  
"Frodo has magical powers?" Merry was a bit slow.  
  
"No Merry." Danielle explained. "Frodo doesn't have magical powers and he never will."  
  
"How do you know? For all we know, a magical fluffy pink mushroom could bonk him on the head and give him some."  
  
"O_o Magical. . . fluffy. . . pink. . . mushroom. . . riiiight. Anyway, what were you saying?"  
  
"We want to watch Mr. Frodo." Replied Sam. "He-"  
  
Danielle cocked her paint ball gun. "You were saying?"  
  
"O_O Uh, erm. . . nothing."  
  
"I thought so."  
  
"EAT THAT!!! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!" Screamed Frodo. Everyone looked in astonishment. Frodo was trying to kill a giant jellyfish thing on the game.  
  
"O_o Okaaaaay. . ."  
  
Frodo threw his hands up in defeat. "ARG! That thing's impossible to beat."  
  
"Not really. Watch." Danielle picked up the controller and after several minutes of furious taping on buttons, she had defeated it and got Frodo the last 'Spiritual Stone' "Now you just need to visit Princess Zelda in the castle and then-" she rattled of a string of instructions. "Got that?" Frodo nodded. "Good, 'cause I can't remember a thing about what I was saying. Ooh! Look at the pretty lights!" she wandered off, looking at imaginary lights.  
  
Soon after everyone left Frodo alone to play and went somewhere else.  
  
(Random Passing Person: What do they do? You leave out too much detail.) GET A LIFE!! * throws magical fluffy pink mushroom at Random Passing Person *Anyway, I'm just too lazy to think of anything right now, so there! :P (Your maturity astounds me.) Shut up! Back to the story. (Random Passing Person: Call this a story? Psh.) * sounds of punching, kicking and screams of mercy *  
  
So, anyway. . . Frodo had indeed followed Danielle's advice and had gone to the castle. There he got a new ocarina; the Ocarina of Time. It replaced his old Fairy Ocarina and * INSERT WITTY COMENT HERE *. He also learned a new song, the Song of Time. It was a low, haunting melody. Frodo sat frozen. Staring at the screen and listening to the simple tune repeating over and over.  
  
~*~  
  
The rest of the hobbits and the girls came back a coupla hours later and found him like that. Eyes glazed over. Just sitting there. Staring.  
  
They themselves stared.  
  
"Shouldn't we, umm. . . wake him up or something?" asked Sam.  
  
"I like him like this. Why should we?"  
  
"'Cause we'll get attacked by rabid Frodo fans if we don't."  
  
"Good point. How do we go about it?"  
  
"I know! I know!" yelled Gen.  
  
"Does it have anything to do with pepper spray or ketchup?"  
  
She groaned. "You spoil all my fun!"  
  
"I have an idea. How 'bout we wave a mushroom in front of his face? That would get his attention wouldn't it?"  
  
"No." stated Kels. "You've used mushrooms too many times in this fic. You're too repetitive. "  
  
They all sat down to think about it. Eventually they all got bored and wandered off, but by 'accident' one of them pulled out the TV's plug.  
  
Frodo blinked. "Huh? Wha. . .?" He wondered how he got there for a moment, then also wandered away.  
  
A/N: Done another chapter. You'd better make me happy and review or I'll * random LOTR related threat * Now I hope you've heeded that warning. Bye! 


	14. Divider thingies and vegetarians

A/N: Sorry. I messed up the timing on the last chapter. Family Day was Monday, but fanfiction.net wouldn't let me update until Wednesday 'cause I did an infraction. (Random Passing Person: Whacha do this time?) I. . . umm. . . * mumbles * Yes. Anyway. I gotta get caught up with my thank yous huh? K, here goes. Thanks to Elwen - Star Maiden 'cause she informed me about the dangers of mushroom depression. * serious look on face * Yes. Hobbits all over the umm. . . Shire and stuff have you to thank. ^_^ Also to lausie, I know how ya feel. I sometimes go to the computer lab at lunch and the bell seems to ring just when I'm in the middle of a chapter. Anywho, thanks for reviewing. Wow! I know have more than one page of reviews! 27 reviews. * nods in satisfaction * (Random Passing Person: You just broke your record for most sane paragraph in this fic!) O_O WHAT?! * starts wreaking. . . umm. . . havoc and stuff *  
  
A little while later, everyone had coincidently wandered to the same room. (A/N: Isn't it lovely how these things happen?) By this time it was getting very late. Kels, Kelsi, Paula and Gen had all mysteriously left at some point in time. O_o  
  
Danielle got their attention. "Okay. Since you guys aren't just one of my daydreams or somefink, I guess you'll have to sleep somewhere around here." She looked around at a bunch of beds that appeared. "Hmm. . ." She saw past those and saw some perfectly good sleeping bags. "This is gonna be harder than I thought."  
  
~*~  
  
Some time later. . .  
  
Danielle had sent the hobbits off to bed. In what I do not know 'cause I wasn't paying attention when I wrote this fic.  
  
Hmm. . . not much more to put here. Lets have some of those divider thingies.  
  
~*~  
  
I like that. Lets have another.  
  
~*~  
  
Cool. MORE!  
  
~*~  
  
This  
  
~*~  
  
Is  
  
~*~  
  
Fun  
  
~*~  
  
!  
  
~*~  
  
^_^  
  
~*~  
  
Anyways, on with the story. . . weeeeell. . . one more.  
  
~*~  
  
The night passed peacefully, well mostly. The hobbits were occasionally awoken by screams of: "GNOMES WILL INHERIT THE EARTH!!!" from Danielle, but otherwise, no. Nothing interesting happened.  
  
~*~  
  
Danielle made waffles. While baking, she grumbled under her breathe "Stupid earth inheriting gnomes. . ." and squinted a lot.  
  
The hobbits woke up to the smell of delicious waffles. A great pile of thirty-some waffles awaited them, lying on a plate on the kitchen table. At the prospect of food, all the hobbits were immediately wide-awake. They went to the table and sat down, licking their chops.  
  
Danielle was taking another waffle out of the waffle maker and pour some more mix in. She turned around and saw the hobbits around the table.  
  
"You still here then?" They nodded. "I suppose you'll be wanting some waffles then?" They all nodded some more. "Well to bad. They're all for me!!! HAHAHA!!!" Seeing the crestfallen hobbit faces, she continued. "Honestly, you believed that? You're all so gullible."  
  
"Does that mean we can eat the waffles?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Yes, isn't that what I just said?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh." She shrugged. "Then you can have some of 'em. And these too." She placed some bacon, eggs, toast and other random breakfast foods on the table, almost losing an arm in the process. Don't put anything in the way of a hungry hobbit if you want it back in one piece.  
  
Seeing them wolf down her cooking, she commented "So you like 'em then?"  
  
Frodo was the only on polite enough to stop eating and reply, even if it was for only a second. "No, it's just when you're a really hungry hobbit, you can eat anything at it'll taste good." Then he continued consuming the random breakfast foods at an outrageous rate.  
  
Danielle sighed. It was then she observed Bilbo was not eating any bacon or any other random breakfast foods that contained meat. "Wassa matter, Bilbo? You no like my lovely bacon? You're not a vegetarian are you?"  
  
Bilbo eyed her suspiciously. "What a vegetarian?"  
  
"If you're so keen on knowing, look it up in the dictionary."  
  
"What's a dictionary?"  
  
"If you're so keen on knowing, look it up in the dictionary."  
  
"What's a dictionary?"  
  
"If you're so keen on knowing, look it up in the dictionary."  
  
"What's a dictionary?"  
  
~*~  
  
* repeated for five minutes until the food's all gone and the other hobbits notice the argument *  
  
"If you're so-"  
  
"IT'S THE * CENSORED MATERIAL * BOOK OVER THERE!!!" screamed Sam.  
  
There was silence. Pippin stated "Whoa, Sam. Didn't know you had it in you."  
  
So anywho, Bilbo goes and looks up 'vegetarian'. This is what it said:  
  
1. n : eater of fruits and grains and nuts; someone who eats no meat or fish or (often) any animal products  
  
2. n: Indian word for lazy hunter  
  
He slid the book back in place and glared at Danielle. "No, I'm not a vegetarian. :P" Danielle rolled her eyes as if saying 'How terribly mature.'  
  
Merry suddenly just burst out laughing. "Just listen to these conversations you have." He keeled over in laughter.  
  
The others didn't know what happened to Merry, so they slowly backed away.  
  
A/N: Remember: review make author happy, if author happy write more. (Random Passing Person: What a cheap way to get reviews.) Yes. Yes it is. (Random Passing Person: O_O * no response *) * mutters happily * Knew it would work. They shut up, yes! (Random Passing Person: Heard that.) Yes. Yes you did. 


	15. Boring stuff and thank yous

A/N: These are just some thanking for reviews that I forgot to do at some point in time or comments by reviews, k? So bear with me here. (You don't have to read this, but if you reviewed, I might mention you, so maybe you should read it. Hmm. . . dilemma.)  
  
I did to thank you for your reviews Katani Petitedra, but I'll thank you again. Thank you.  
  
Also to katakanadian, I did take your advice and change that paragraph in chapter two. Thanks for your help. ^_^ I honestly did not intend to speck in a 'more hobbitty manner', it was kinda early in the morning and stuff. \  
  
Notice: I lied in Chapter 8. Crenius (aka Kelsi) has now changed her name to Dark Omen. (Just to let you know ^_^)  
  
To QTpie-pippinsgurl: I also beat Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and I hope I get Majora's Mask for my birthday in April. * hint hint Lauren * I think the end was very unsatisfying. * shrugs * Oh, well.  
  
Thanks for reading, if you got this far. I should get another chapter out in a day or two. 


	16. Nicoderm and the Canadian government

A/N: Not much to say. So. . . yes. And more stuff. Here are some more filler words. Hey, I look like I sorta know what I'm talking about! Cool.  
  
Bilbo sat down with a sigh of contentment. "Now is the perfect time for some Old Toby." He brought out his pipe and weed. The other hobbits followed his example. But before a single pipe could be lit, Danielle snatched them away.  
  
"NOT IN THIS HOUSE!" she roared. "I WILL NOT HAVE PEOPLE SLOWLY KILLING THEMSELVES WITH TOBACCO!"  
  
The hobbits were taken aback. They had no idea what she was ranting about and told her as such.  
  
As a reply, she got out a small book that was sitting next to the television and flipped through it until she found what she was looking for.  
  
Danielle turned on the TV and put the station to the Discovery Channel. They were having one of their weeklong specials on tobacco.  
  
"Here. Educate yourselves." (A/N: À la Pleakly. ^_^) The hobbits sat through almost half an hour of the stuff. By the end, not one of them wasn't white in the face.  
  
However, Danielle was prepared for this reaction. She whipped out a box of Nicoderm and swiftly placed a patch on each of the hobbits' arm.  
  
Sam was quizzical. "What's this for?"  
  
"It's to help you stop smoking."  
  
Sam didn't really understand, but then, he didn't understand a lot of things.  
  
~*~  
  
A couple of hours later, the hobbits were sitting around doing. . . umm. . . hobbit stuff. . . and more. . . stuff. . . and stuff. . . yes.  
  
Gen, Kels, Kelsi and Paula had mysteriously appeared. * queue X-files music *  
  
Anyways, one of the hobbits, Pippin I think, asked Danielle what she was yelling about during the night.  
  
"Oh, you mean the Earth-inheriting-gnomes." She looked around secretively as if people were listening to her theory. _ _ After a moment, she deemed it safe enough to continue. "Gen and me have it all figured out." Gen nodded in affirmation. "The Earth-inheriting-gnomes have an alliance with the bloodsucking squirrels whooooo-" she raised her voice. "-are in league with the brainsucking llamas. ^_^" Gen and Danielle smiled happily.  
  
"The government people have been puzzling over this for years!" Kels, Kelsi and Paula exchanged bemused glances. They had all heard this before and still didn't believe it.  
  
The hobbits had understood nothing.  
  
Suddenly, several men in black tuxes leapt from behind the couch, giving high fives to each other. "We know about the gnome/squirrel/llama situation! YES! Finally! Jean Cretien will be soooo happy!" They immediately crashed through the nearest window and skipped towards Ottawa.  
  
The broken glass littered the floor. Danielle got a dust pan and broom and began sweeping it up nonchalantly, muttering "Third time this week."  
  
Kels, Kelsi and Paula were dumbfounded.  
  
The hobbits, as before, had understood nothing.  
  
A/N: I forgot to say in my wonderfully informative authors note above that I don't own Jean Cretien (the prime minister of Canada for you Americans, eh?), nor the government people or the Earth-inheriting-gnomes or the bloodsucking squirrels (borrowed from Kelsi) or the brainsucking llamas (Kels'). I do however own the dustpan. ^_^ 


	17. Obvious answers and appearing airports

A/N: Sorry this is so late coming out. I was * INSERT RANDOM EXCUSE #22 HERE *, so you can't really blame me. (Random Passing Person: If it's so random, what are your excuses numbered?) Umm. . . yes. * cough * Moving on. . . (Random Passing Person: Hey, how come I wasn't in the last chapter at all?) You weren't? Oh. * shrugs * Guess you'll hafta deal with it 'cause this is the last chapter. Yes, that's right, no more Of Hobbits, Halflings & Little People after this one. * sniff * So sad. (Random Passing Person: * rolls eyes *  
  
All that afternoon the hobbits were moping around. When asked about it by Danielle, Sam answered, "We wanna go home!"  
  
None of the girls however seemed surprised at this statement. "You've been able to go home the whole time."  
  
"WHAT?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!"  
  
"It's more fun this way." Paula answered.  
  
"'Sides, if you knew, my fic would be so boring!" Put in Danielle, receiving blank stares from everyone else.  
  
Frodo was about to resort to banging his head on the table. Instead, he asked in a deadly calm voice. "Tell. Me. How. Right. Now."  
  
It was Lauren who answered. "The magic of Air Miles. ^_^"  
  
~*~  
  
A little while later, the girls had explained about airplanes and their various tricks to get you to fly more. (Ex. Air Miles) "Fortunately, we have enough Air Miles saved up to get you five back home."  
  
The hobbits didn't have anything to pack because of the unorthodox way they had arrived, so they just walked out the door with the girls to the airport next door.  
  
"Since when has an airport been built next to your house?" asked Kelsi, but Danielle was already through the glass doors.  
  
The hobbits walked up to the bored looking ticket seller. "Five tickets to Middle-Earth, please." Bilbo requested.  
  
"Gondor, Rohan, the Shire or Mordor?"  
  
"The Shire."  
  
"Will that be cash, check or plastic?"  
  
"Air Miles."  
  
"Okay then. Here." She handed them their tickets. "Your plane leaves- " she checked her watch, "-right now. Better get going, or you'll miss it and have to stay here with your lovely friends. Bye-bye now. ^_^" The hobbits didn't hear her closing remark because they were running to the departure gate as if the Balrog was after them.  
  
~*~  
  
The last the girls saw of the hobbits were them boarding their Air Shire plane.  
  
Danielle sniffed. "They grow up so fast."  
  
Gen protested. "But they're all older than you!"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: Yay! All done! * does a little dance * * sees crestfallen reviewers' faces * Err. . . I mean too bad! (Random Passing Person: That's it? * looks disgusted * What a pointless story.) I didn't say it had a point, did I? I'm going to ignore any more negative comments from you on the count of it's the last chapter. (Random Passing Person: WHAT?! You can't ignore me! Who will I insult? * starts to cry *) There there. * rolls eyes *  
  
I'd like to thank my faithful (and not so) reviewers.  
  
Katani Petitedra  
  
katakanadian  
  
QTpie-pippinsgurl  
  
P.E.N. Name  
  
lausie  
  
Erenriel Dreamweaver  
  
Zariva  
  
Elwen - Star Maiden  
  
Annoying Took  
  
Little Ringbearer  
  
Candycane loves Legalous  
  
daniLOTHlorien  
  
Also to the cast:  
  
Bilbo  
  
Frodo  
  
Sam  
  
Merry  
  
Pippin  
  
Dark Omen (aka Kelsi)  
  
Darth Trinity (aka Kels)  
  
Water Lily (aka Gen)  
  
Beboots (aka Lauren)  
  
Paula  
  
Random Passing Person 


End file.
